Right Where I Ought to Be in this Motherhood Journey……….

On this journey we call motherhood, on exploring it, and discovering it, sometimes we find that motherhood, isn’t as much about our children, as it is about us. I have always been the very studious type. I have researched everything to kingdom come and back again. I have never made decisions on a whim, or without extensive research, I’m serious, you’d think I was doing my Master’s Thesis with as much research as I do on topics, and decisions. It’s a blessing and a curse. I say that, to say that before the birth of my first son, who is 3 now, I thought that I could master this motherhood thing by reading all the books I can, looking up scholarly journals, and studies. I thought I had it all down. Even decided that our new little bundle of joy would be on a very strict schedule. I had it ALL planed out, right down to college from the second he was born.

I was told that, you can’t master motherhood, especially if your first child had not been born yet. I was told that it’s all instinct. I was told that you don’t really become a mother, until you see your child’s eyes, face to face for the first time. I had read all of the parenting books I could find, I had read all of the motherhood books, and pregnancy books, and anything really that dealt with parenting and mothering. I “knew” they were wrong. I even laughed in their faces at times, (well, more like silently in my head), when I heard these repetitive words OVER and OVER and OVER again. Boy, was I ever in for a shock!

Yeah, my schedule, went right out the window the second he was born. It was that second that I was able to grab onto him, pull him to my chest, and take a good deep look into his eyes, that I instantly knew how very wrong, and unprepared I was. How painfully right they all were. No amount of research I had done before his birth prepared me for this whirlwind called motherhood. Although we did keep with SOME of the things I researched, a majority of it went out the window. After the birth of our second son who is now 18 months, I gained even more perspective on this motherhood journey. What worked for one child, didn’t always, most of the times not, work for the other.

Our older son is very en tune with his surroundings, and a very sensitive little boy. Oh, yes, he’s a boys boy, all the way through, rough and tough, and loves to wrestle, play with cars, and even has crash derby with them from time to time. However, he has a very sensitive side, and the SLIGHTEST amount of unrest, or heightened anxiety, has him on alert. I remember when his God Mother, had me pick her up and drive her to the airport to go home to visit her family, and he immediately picked up on her anxiety and hurt the moment she got in the truck. She had an argument with her husband, nothing major, just enough to get the emotions rolling. He was barely 4 months old, and picked up on it. He stopped the moment we got to the airport and let her out at her terminal. He still does that! When daddy and I are having particularly trying and rough days, he picks up on it, and he snuggles with us, to bring our emotions back down. Spanking him really hurts him, not physically, but on an emotional level. We have to use the corner with him, although that doesn’t please him none to well either.

Our second son, not so much. He is also all boy, rougher and tougher than his brother even. Spanking, doesn’t even phase him! In fact he kind of smirks at us and laughs at us, when he’s spanked. He’s not nearly as sensitive as his older brother is.

Our boys are worlds different, and apart. They each have such different needs. Although our second son is not sensitive in the way his older brother is, he is our snuggler, and he is our hugger, and lover. He’s just too “macho” to show it the way his older brother does. However, if you walk away from him, or ignore him, he does not like that. Oh BOY, does he make it known that he does not like that. He will do it, just to prove you wrong.

I had no idea that two children, from the same two parents, could be so vastly different!!! I guess I should have know, my siblings and I come from the same parents, and we are NOTHING alike. Not even close to it. I had no idea that I could love them equally and differently at the same time. Motherhood took me by storm and surprise when both had been born. I’m eager to see what this journey called motherhood has in store for me when our third little boy is born this March. What differences will come our way? What new and exciting adventures will we go on? How will he be different from his two older brothers?

You can only prepare as much as you can, and you can only read so many books, articles, studies, etc, but nothing prepares you for motherhood, until you are in the thick of it. Until you live it, day in and day out. Some days it feels like a battle field, “Jayden stop whining, quit taking your brothers car, give it back to him, why did you pee on the carpet and not your potty?…..” “Zechariah, why would you do that? Don’t take your brother’s toys from him. Get your finger out of your nose, stop playing in your brother’s potty……” And some days, you wished you had more; until they wake up from their nap, and the battles start all over that is. Just kidding. Seriously some days they are angels that make your heart melt.

There is no greater gift, than motherhood. However, I’m finding that motherhood is more about discovering me, than being a mother at times. Who am I? What do I believe in? What do I stand for? Why do I believe in this or stand for that? Where do I go from here? Am I being a good role model to my boys? Am I teaching them right from wrong? Am I teaching them to be independent thinkers? Why is that important to me? Am I teaching them respect, morality, and good ethics? Motherhood, really makes you take a good hard look at yourself, after all, they are little sponges, and they soak up the good, bad, and in different, whether we want them to or not. They also see, and hear what we don’t want them to see and hear.

A song by Rodney Atkins comes to mind every time I wonder about me as a mother, and my journey. Although it’s a song about a son watching his daddy, and taking his daddy’s lead, you can easily place mother in that spot too. “(I’ve Been) Watching You (Dad).” Every time I look into myself, I hear these lyrics, and imagine very vividly, my boys watching me, and taking my lead. I am their whole world, and their role model right now. I know it’s only a short window, before they make friends, and then friends start having an influence, but for now, I have all of their undivided attention.

Being a mother is the best gift, and most important role, that I don’t take lightly, that I have ever been given the blessing to be. While others can not begin to comprehend why I have made the decisions I’ve made regarding motherhood, mothering and my children, I know why I’ve made them, and I’ve always sought out the One who knows best, He has been my rock, and He alone has guided my husbands and my footsteps in this journey. No one can take that away from me. The journey to motherhood was not easy, a lot of painful experiences, and a lot of losses, but God had a plan for me, and He knows, I’m right where I ought to be; I walk by faith and not sight alone. Although I’m still learning the “in’s” and “out’s” of this motherhood journey, and I’m still exploring it, I’m secure in where I am.

“Watching You”

Driving through town just my boy and me
With a happy meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn’t have the toy
Till his nuggets were gone
A green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath
His fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
Well then my four year old said a four letter word
That started with “s” and I was concerned
So I said son now now where did you learn to talk like that[Chorus one]

He said I’ve been watching you dad, ain’t that cool
I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah we’re just alike, hey ain’t we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I’ve been watching you

We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said Lord please help me help my stupid self
Then this side of bedtime later that night
Turning on my son’s Scooby Doo nightlight
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
And spoke to God like he was talking to a friend
And I said son now where’d you learn to pray like that

[Chorus two]

He said I’ve been watching you dad, ain’t that cool
I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We like fixing things and holding mama’s hand
Yeah we’re just alike, hey ain’t we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I’ve been watching you

[Bridge]

With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug
Said my little bear is growing up
He said but when I’m big I’ll still know what to do

[Chorus three]

Cause I’ve been watching you dad, ain’t that cool
I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
By then I’ll be as strong as superman
We’ll be just alike, hey won’t we dad
When I can do everything you do
Cause I’ve been watching you

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