I’m offically the worlds WORST mom. =/

I feel like having a crying tantrum with my 3.5 year old as well. =/

My mom passed away July 7th, 2012. Last Christmas was our first Christmas without her. This is our second Christmas without her, and it’s not any easier, on me. I didn’t know it was affecting my son.

He knew nana, went to live in Heaven with God and the Angels. That she couldn’t visit us last Christmas. (That’s the only way we could explain to him last Christmas why she wasn’t there, and why only papa Mike and Aunt Star had come.) He seemed fine with it, and it seemed as if he forgotten everything when papa Mike showed up with the Christmas gifts on Christmas eve.

Well, today as I’m getting him ready to lay down for a nap, he asked if he and brother could have a cookie. I told him that when he wakes up from his nap then he can have one. I made a HUGE mistake, and asked him if he was excited to have papa Mike and Aunt Star come over to start Christmas with us tomorrow. He got really excited and said yes he was, and said that he couldn’t wait to see papa Mike, Aunt Star and nana D. =/

I tried really hard to choke back my tears, and told him that he needed to remember that Nana D isn’t able to come here for Christmas, that she’s up in Heaven with the Angels, great paw paw and Aunt Dawn. But, she would be watching us from heaven and sending us her love.

OH, was that a MISTAKE! He started crying, like I ripped the head off of his fave snuggle toy, and yelling at me that I was lying to him. He wouldn’t calm down for anything. Finally I was able to rock him and get him to calm down and he fell asleep in my lap.

I can’t stop crying. I’ve done all of the Christmas traditions my mom had always done, I’ve done all of the Christmas crafts I could find, and been so busy preparing for Christmas, this has been my way of sort of dealing with not having my mom here, that I didn’t even seem to notice that my baby was hurting! It didn’t seem like an issue last Christmas!!!

I guess I should have seen this coming, we have been talking about all the Christmas things we were doing and how nana would do them with me, and he sees all of her pictures on the walls. He even got the honor of putting her memorial picture Christmas ornament on the tree this year. I thought that if I talked about her, and what we used to do when she was here, that it would be a great way to keep her memory alive for my boys. It so backfired on me, and now I feel like the worlds WORST mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know how to fix this!!!! I’m terrified of when he wakes up, and what to say, or if I should even say anything at all! Worst I’m terrified now of how he’s going to react when papa Mike and Aunt Star get here tomorrow. =/

How can I comfort him? How can I explain to my little man that nana D just can’t be here with us. My heart is breaking so bad, and all I want to do is crawl up in a little ball, and cry with him. I may have ruined Christmas for my son. =/

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Confessions of a Frazzled Mama…….. Sunday Madness!

I think everyone expects mothers to be Super Moms. Indestructible, faster than a speeding bullet, reliable, never tired, always ready at a moments notice, always abled, Suzy Homemaker, and Betty Crocker. We are expected to kiss every boo boo, make every “pincy bug” disappear, chase away the monsters, be at the beck and call, cook, clean, cook again, clean some more, bring in SOME sort of a supplemental income, have intimacy with our spouses, manage our ministries, finish school, some how fit in time to accomplish our dreams, and at the end of the day fold laundry and put it away until we are blue in the face. We don’t dare let our husbands do the grocery shopping, because our grocery bill’s would shoot up ten fold, and we’d never have enough or it would all be chips and salsa, with hot dogs for food. We manage the delicate balance of good and yummy in our household menu’s, along side keeping the budget as low as possible using coupons and price matching. Ever see a man attempt it? I have, it isn’t pretty. Not unless he has my VERY detailed list can he pull it off, and even then, it’s a shot in the dark, because he forgets to see if the stores brand is a better deal. What about keeping the children entertained? Ever see a daddy holding a hot glue gun making arts and crafts, or water basted oil paints on a canvas for a Daddy gift? Ever see one attempt to bake and decorate cookies? No, that’s all a mommies job.

I whole heartily think that we should be serving as we are called to do, but do you realize how HARD, and TIRING and DRAINING it is to be 6 months pregnant getting a toddler and a preschooler ready for church on a Sunday morning BY YOUR SELF!? No help! Chasing the toddler because he wants to be chased and not get ready, then he kicks, screams, bites, and bangs his head into your chest because you are attempting to put on the GOD AWFUL DREADED shoes, that MUST, I repeat, MUST stay on. Heaven help you if you put the socks on without immediately putting the shoes on, because the socks almost ALWAYS end up off his feet SOMEWHERE in the house, before you can get shoes on him. Then there’s getting Zechy’s diaper bag and Jayden’s go bag ready, filling one with extra diapers, and the other with a change of pants and undies JUST in case he doesn’t make it to the big boy potty; then stealthily sneaking in the sippy cups without them noticing, or you hear the ENDLESS whine that they want it. You know that if you give in, then that means dirtying up another sippy, and another one to keep track of, and fill up. So, you drag your feet back to the cubbard, and drag out two more sippy cups and fill them.

BY the time you get every one dressed, ready to go, and get ready to walk out the door, just to remember that you forgot your keys and have to rush back inside with everyone to get your keys, and back out, and then fight them to get into the car without running off and buckled in, you’re exhausted, so tired, that you seriously contemplate just getting out of the car and going back in to lay down for a nap. However, that thought is brief, because you know that you have about 20 kids at church waiting and depending on you to be there on time to teach them, and that your children have a need to know about God. So you start the car, drive the mile up the road to church, and then one by one, you slowly unload everyone on your own. You somehow juggle your lesson plans and bible in one hand, while holding the bags on your shoulder, then grabbing your toddler by his hand with your free hand, and telling your preschooler to hold your back pocket and hold tight following.

After you finally get the kids inside to your classroom to set, you then have to take them to their classrooms and check them in, just to leave to start checking in the children for you class. After church, you manage to check out the kids, drag yourself, the kids an all of your belongings BACK to the car, load them up, and go home. Your husband was on Worship, or sound, so is still packing up and loading his truck up. You get home first and end up unloading your children and all of your belongings. One has to pee, one is screaming because he wants another sippy and his hungry and ready for a nap; you yourself have to pee because the third one is tap dancing on your bladder. By this point, you literally have NO energy left, and you feel out of breath, and ready to collapse. Some how you you get the one into the bathroom fast enough to potty, while holding the other, you get yourself on the potty, and then take them both to the kitchen to make a quick lunch and get sippy’s. Then it’s bum change, and the herding upstairs to their separate rooms to take a nap. By this time, you are starving because you realized, that although you made breakfast for the kids, you totally forgot to eat yourself, but you’re SO exhausted and winded that you just want to sit down.

Then when you start thinking of just how hungry you are and you slowly pull one leg at a time off of the couch, and work your way to the kitchen, you realize you have to take something out for dinner, because you space Cadetted it earlier. (Yes I make up my own words, lol, I’m delirious at this point…..) Alas your husband comes sweeping in, finally, just to remind you that you have to be at the banquet hall for the church’s Christmas dinner. He wants to know if you are going ahead of time with him, or leaving later with the kids. Oiy! You really DON’T want to be stuck there for an hour and a half with children by yourself, and yet you dread the morning madness of getting them ready to go and loading them up all by yourself again. So you weight out the options, which one is the best of the two evil options……Ultimately you are far too tired to even think about managing the kids on your own for an hour in a half in a strange place, and so you opt to wait until later to start the madness all over by yourself.

On the way there, your phone acts up, so you can’t seem to get directions to get to this banquet hall, you’re late because you didn’t realize that it wasn’t at the church until a half hour before, and didn’t have directions to get there from your husband. Then you use your own inner navigation skills you picked up as a pizza delivery person in your younger years. Only issue was, we now lived in a strange new town, and the road I thought would go through to where we needed to go, somehow dead ends, and can’t get you to your destination. Your phone still is not cooperating, and you nearly break down crying, as you are driving around, and around in circles in Sun City trying to find your way, while one child screams for a sippy cup and another screams because he’s hungry and is CONVINCED we left daddy at home and asking the 20 questions as to why daddy is not coming to eat with us. You can’t reach the sippy cup because it’s in the diaper bag behind your seat. The third child is apparently doing the river dance, again, on your bladder, and you nearly pee yourself, and have to will yourself not to pee.

As if that’s not enough, you finally make it to your destination, nearly 40 mins late. Then you can’t find parking, and have to park pretty close to the back 50, and unload, and lock the car, slowly you waddle yourself up to the door, and try to get inside quickly because now your preschooler has to use the bathroom. You suddenly see your husband heading towards a bathroom and then send your son to see daddy to go with him, and he has a melt down, of course, and wont go to the bathroom with daddy, so you take him with you, get them settled in, and then rush the two of you off to the bathroom as quickly as possible. Just in time too, because I darn near did pee myself. Took every muscle in my body NOT to pee myself.

Your husband is off doing sound and playing worship, so you try your best to hold the fort down at your table, only to be met with severe opposition from your toddler that just wants to run around and DESTROY everything; when I say destroy, I honestly mean, destroy, he is so much worse than his brother ever was, so strong willed, more so than his brother. You manage to get them to eat, not being able to take more than a couple of bites of your food. Then you give in, and just let them run around with the other kids, while you stand up and eat your  now cold food; which I didn’t even get to finish much of, between the constant running off to stop my destroyer. Desert is finally called, you get up with two in tow and your tickets to the desert line, of course they want everything in sight, and I tell them only ONE! That’s all they get is one! Finally you get their deserts on the plates and while your preschooler toddles behind you holding his plate ever so carefully with both hands, you are trying to manage two other plates in one hand, and your toddler is having a melt down because he wants the desert NOW, and doesn’t want to wait until we get back to the table.

When you finally make it back to the table, you try your best to fastly take the cupcake wrapper off, and the plastic toy off the top, but your toddler is having a melt down because he thinks you are apparently trying to eat his desert. Finally you get him to see that it’s ready and push him closer to the table and he begins to happily eat it. By then your preschooler starts to whine because he can’t pull the chair out, so you help pull the chair out, get him up to the table and take the wrapper off of the cupcake so he can eat his. You get about two bites into your brownie, just to have your toddler be done and want to run around and DESTROY again.

You TRY to keep him entertained, sit him in your lap, talk to him, play with him, but he wants to run around and destroy, so he has ANOTHER melt down, kicking, HIGH PITCH screaming, and banging his head into your chest. Daddy is on stage playing for the rest of the group. You feel so embarrassed, but you are so at your wits end, and so ready to get up and leave, and so tired, that you just try your best to smile through the tears that want to run down your face. As if that’s not enough, they both start having melt downs because they are now ready for bed, and there’s tears coming down both of their faces, and you can’t get your husband to stop talking long enough to get over and help you take the kids to the car so you can rush and get them home into bed; and you seriously want to let your tears fall down with theirs. However, you don’t, you just try and keep calm, suddenly a good friend from church with re enforcements and her son a little older than your preschooler come over with more cars to help keep them entertained as daddy wraps up. FINALLY he walks over, try’s to help, and get them out to the car, and FINALLY you get home, and get them undressed, washed up, dressed in pj’s, sippy’s and doggy’s in hand, and make your way up what seems like 30 flights of stairs, and into bed. FINALLY you are able to sit down, or so you thought, your third child, apparently thinks that it’s still party time, and again, starts doing a river dance, and you peel one part of your body at a time off of the couch that you just got comfortable in, just to go pee.

You then think, since it’s still earlyish, you can edit some client pictures and return emails, yeah, not happening tonight. It’s the only time I get uninterrupted time to work!

NORMAL Sunday’s take it out of me, but I’m always able to have some rest so it’s not so bad, today, was a nightmare, and I broke down in tears. Mommies need help, and rest too! We are not always super hero’s that come flying in to save the day, we need help! Mommies are people too! I think daddy’s forget that we are not super human, and that we have our limits. Today was definitely WAY past my limit. Lord I hope that tomorrow is a MUCH calmer day!

Things at Christmas that just Tar my Feathers!

A friend sent me a message this morning regarding an article from Fox News insider with Megyn; you can see the article here: Megyn Takes on Secularist for Forcing Schools to Cancel Christmas Toy Drive.

There’s this group called the American Humanist Association (AHA), headed by the director Roy Speckhardt, who believes that Christmas Box Toy donations at School’s, that are backed and sponsored by religious groups, “proselytize” children. (Proselytize: convert or attempt to convert (someone) from one religion, belief, or opinion to another.) He further goes on to say that “These gifts are gifts with strings attached” because Christian organizations placed religious letters/pamphlets into these gift boxes. He namely attacks Samaritans Purse, that sponsor and distribute the Operation Christmas Child Box project. He recommends that the schools use organizations such as the Marines Toys for Tots; which I guess he isn’t aware is also backed and sponsored by The Salvation Army, which is also a religious association.

I’m seriously APPALLED at this! You don’t have to be “religious”, or Christian, to understand that for some, Christmas, and Christmas time is about the Spirit of Christmas, of all things that are good. About Love, giving, thankfulness, etc. Where is their heart?

As far back as I can remember, our school had ALWAYS had a toy drive! We ALWAYS gave what we could, and support people! Shame on you American Humanist Association for, forgetting what Christmas is about! Those toys, and gifts for these children, signify that they are not forgotten, that someone, somewhere loves them. Children NEED that! Shame on you for making this a “religious” thing, when it’s far more than that! I am truly disgusted!

This is what is happening to humanity now, cold heart, greedy Grinch’s, who rob people of peace, love, joy, and happiness. Maybe they need a visit from the three Ghosts of Christmas to get a reminder!

America has forgotten what we were founded on, who founded us, why we left England. Although many will beg to differ, you can’t deny undisputed facts! “In God we Trust”, “One Nation Under God…” I think some Atheist have taken it too far. Unfortunately, some on all sides take it too far. We simply live in a time, where nearly everyone feels the need to be right, and that they are solely right, and anyone else who differs in belief and or opinion is simply wrong and beneath them. Sad times we live in. This is why people don’t know their neighbors, and why no one helps people anymore. I am truly thankful we found a neighborhood, that we know and love our neighbors already! Yeah, okay, so it’s a little stepfordish, but it reminds me of the “good ole’ days” growing up. Where I don’t have to be afraid to let my children out of my house, and I can trust my neighbors. I can hang a friggen Christmas Wreath on my front door and not bolt it into the door, for fear someone will steal it!

This isn’t about me though, it’s about this association, that wants to rob innocent children of one day, one day that tells them, they are loved, they are not forgotten, that they mean something. He wants to rob communities from helping those who are less fortunate. He’s not hurting himself, or standing up for “what’s right” or “separation of church and state”, he’s being a dang Grinch, and he ought to be ashamed of himself!

How is the Christmas donations ANY different than politicians on Capital Hill who have secret agendas? Who make tea party pacts, and sneaky deals and offers under the table. “Hey Joe from California, if you vote my way on this, which you don’t really have a huge opinion on, I will vote your way on that, which I don’t really have a huge opinion on. What do you say? Is it a deal?” If you honestly don’t think this, doesn’t happen, then you don’t know a politician, or you never paid attention to History.

A pamphlet with information about who God and Jesus is, in a box, that is sent to a child somewhere for Christmas, isn’t even nearly the same. It’s a piece of paper, that a child may not even likely read, or even look at! It’s not making a secret pact, it’s not forcing it down their throats, it’s no more than a piece of paper with Christian Facts on it. They can chose to read it or not. At some point we all chose to believe or not. How is that ANY different? It’s not. It’s certainly NOT like it’s sitting at the schools either! The schools simply have donation boxes. That’s it. The church does the rest. I certainly do not see any “proselytizing” going on Mr. Speckhardt! Your facts are vastly skewed, and you are simply the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. For YOUNG children, especially ones that know NOTHING or very little of God, and Jesus, Christmas is about Jolly Old St. Nick, Santa, in his Big red suit, belly of jelly, 8 tiny reindeer, a sleigh, and a magic sack of gifts. Shame on you from taking that from them, because of a piece of paper, they might not even look at twice!

Christmas is ABOUT giving! It’s about helping those less fortunate, as adults, it’s about the joy, laughter, and happiness on Christmas morning when the kids faces light up this world! It’s ONE day we can all come together and be truly gleeful! Why would you take that away? Just because some religious group backed up with funding, means, and the heart to distribute these items? I certainly don’t see NON Christian or even Atheist groups creating organizations to do this. You’ll be hard pressed to find any other group that is not Christian affiliated doing anything of the sort.  I don’t see you and all of your wealth offering to do it either! I certainly hope you never fall victim to hard times, but if you do, and you find yourself standing in line to sign your children up for the Angel Tree, (again backed up by the Salvation Army, a religious group), I would hope you think back to this “victory” of yours, and remember how you potentially destroyed Christmas for so many innocent children, who just want to feel loved, and not forgotten for ONE DAY! If this were oz, you’d be the cowardly lion asking for a heart. All your little shenanigans is doing, is making more Christians LIKE MYSELF, make a bigger stink, and a bigger stand and going even MORE out of our way to prove that you are absolutely, inconsequentially wrong!

The Christmas Spirit will prevail, with your without your Blessing Mr. Speckhardt, and it will be a blessed one, and we will find other ways, despite your soul-less heart. Remember. Take a lesson, and take note Mr. Speckhardt, you may have won a very small battle, but you have now started a war, that you will not win.